How Modelling Shapes Behavior: What Hypnotherapists Should Listen for in a Client Consultation
- Linda Sevilla
- 1 minute ago
- 15 min read
One of the things I tell my hypnotherapy students is that if you want to understand why someone behaves the way they do today, it can be very useful to look at the people they were watching when they were learning how to be in the world.
When we're little, we're watching the big people.
We're watching Mom. Dad. Grandparents. Older siblings. Teachers. Other people we've placed in positions of authority.
And they don't have to sit us down and deliberately teach us anything.
We're watching.
We're taking it all in.
We're learning what relationships look like. What a man's role is. What a woman's role is. What affection looks like. What conflict looks like. How people respond when they're angry. What happens when somebody is hurt. Whether people talk about their feelings or pretend they don't have any.
We're also watching what the people around us value.
What gets praised?
What gets criticized?
What gets punished?
What seems to get someone love or attention?
What does everybody in this family simply seem to accept as normal?
All of that information can become part of the way we understand ourselves, other people and the world around us.
And sometimes, years later, a client walks into my office frustrated by a behavior they can't seem to change without realizing that they've seen that behavior before.
They learned it by watching someone else.
That's modelling.
What Is Modelling in Hypnotherapy?
Modelling is one of the ways I look at how the subconscious may have learned a behavior.
Someone demonstrates a behavior to us, we observe it, and sometimes we adopt that behavior as our own.
This is particularly important when we're young because we're relying heavily on subconscious learning. The more deliberate, analytical thinking we associate with the conscious mind develops gradually throughout childhood.
So children aren't necessarily standing back and critically evaluating everything the adults around them do.
They're learning.
And the subconscious is not the logical part of the mind.
That's important.
It doesn't necessarily look at Dad's behavior and say:
“That doesn't seem like a particularly healthy way to handle conflict. When I'm 37, I'll make a different choice.”
It observes.
It associates.
It learns.
And, as I say frequently when I'm teaching, the subconscious does whatever it is programmed to do.
That can become especially important when the person we're observing is someone we've placed in a position of authority.
Our parents are our first teachers.
We learn that grass is green and cows go moo from these people. We don't begin life by questioning everything they show and tell us.
So we may also learn:
This is how couples communicate.
This is what you do when you're angry.
This is how you comfort yourself.
This is how men behave.
This is how women behave.
This is what marriage looks like.
This is how you deal with disappointment.
This is what you do when somebody hurts you.
Then we grow up.
And sometimes we recreate what we saw.
Even when we consciously know better.
“It Was a Pretty Standard Breakup”
I once had a client tell me that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend.
She described it as a pretty “standard” breakup.
I asked her what a standard breakup looked like.
She told me that he had called her a particularly foul name that I won't repeat here, and she had responded by throwing things at him.
You know.
Standard breakup.
Except, of course, there was nothing particularly standard about it.
Later in our conversation, she began talking about what conflict had looked like between her parents while she was growing up.
There was name-calling.
There was yelling.
Things got thrown.
Suddenly her description of her own breakup made a lot more sense.
She wasn't necessarily consciously deciding:
“Mom and Dad handled conflict this way, so this is how I'm going to handle it too.”
It was simply what conflict looked like to her.
She had been watching it for years.
It had been modelled.
So when her own relationship became highly emotional and conflicted, her subconscious had a familiar program available.
This is what people do when relationships get like this.
And she ran it.
Modelling Doesn't Have to Look Like Your Presenting Problem
This is where I want hypnotherapists to stay curious.
Sometimes the connection is obvious once the client tells you about it.
Sometimes it isn't.
Consider a client who came to me because she described herself as being addicted to sugar.
She couldn't eat one cookie.
If she opened the bag, she felt compelled to finish it.
She ate when she was upset.
She ate when she was nervous.
She ate when she was celebrating.
Almost any emotional event could create the desire to eat cookies or something sweet.
If we focused only on the presenting behavior, we could easily begin thinking about cravings, self-control or eating habits.
But as we talked, something else emerged.
Growing up, she frequently watched her mother make chocolate milk and eat cookies when her mother was dealing with her own emotions.
Her mother also offered those foods to her daughter.
When she was upset, there might be cookies and chocolate milk.
When they sat down to talk through something important, there might be cookies and chocolate milk.
When something wonderful happened and they were celebrating, there might be cookies and chocolate milk.
Her mother was modelling a way of responding to emotion while simultaneously reinforcing that behavior with her daughter.
So cookies weren't simply cookies.
They had become part of what you did with feelings.
Again, the behavior made much more sense once we understood the context in which it had been learned.
“I Don't Know If I Can Be Faithful”
Another client came to see me shortly before he was getting married.
The closer the wedding got, the more nervous he became.
He loved his fiancée. He wanted to marry her. He wanted the marriage to be successful.
But he had never been faithful in his previous relationships.
He wasn't completely confident that marriage would suddenly change that.
So we looked at what relationships and fidelity had looked like in the environment where he learned about them.
His mother had left relatively early in his childhood after his father cheated on her. Although she remained sporadically involved in his life, his father became the parent who had the greatest influence on him.
And Dad was a womanizer.
He was also proud of it.
He talked openly about the women he was seeing. He bragged about it. He encouraged his son not to settle down because, in his view, there were too many women out there to tie yourself to just one.
Think about what was being modelled.
This wasn't merely a child witnessing infidelity.
This was one of the most important men in his life demonstrating a particular version of masculinity and relationships while presenting that behavior as desirable.
Years later, my client consciously wanted something different.
But consciously wanting something different doesn't automatically erase what the subconscious learned years ago.
You Can Hate a Behavior and Still Have Learned It
This is one of the things clients sometimes have difficulty understanding.
They'll say:
“But I hated when my mother did that.”
Or:
“I promised myself I would never be like my father.”
And yet there they are, doing something remarkably similar.
That's actually a clue I listen for.
The subconscious doesn't have to like a behavior to learn it.
Seeing the consequences of a behavior doesn't necessarily prevent modelling either.
A child can be frightened by the way their parents fight and still learn that this is what conflict looks like.
Someone can despise a parent's inability to ask for help and later find themselves unable to ask for help.
They can resent a parent who never expressed affection and then find themselves uncomfortable expressing affection in their own relationships.
Conscious rejection of the behavior and subconscious learning can exist at the same time.
That's part of why simply telling someone, “You know better,” doesn't necessarily change anything.
They probably do know better.
But knowing something consciously and updating subconscious learning are not the same thing.
What Does Modelling Sound Like in a Client Consultation?
I don't generally sit in a consultation trying to fit everything a client says into a predetermined category.
I listen.
Clients drop little nuggets of information all the time.
And when they do, I follow them.
If I'm considering whether modelling may be involved, phrases that would catch my attention include things like:
“My mom was exactly the same.”
“I always swore I'd never be like my dad, but here I am.”
“Everybody in my family did that.”
“That's just how my parents were.”
“My dad never talked about anything either.”
“My mother always worried about everything.”
“I guess I'm a lot like her.”
Those statements aren't proof that modelling caused the presenting behavior.
They're invitations to ask another question.
If someone says:
“I'm just like my mother.”
I want to know:
How are you like your mother?
If someone says:
“My father was exactly the same way.”
I'm interested.
Tell me about that.
That's how we begin following the client's information rather than imposing our own explanation on it.
Questions to Ask When You Suspect Modelling
If you're wondering whether a behavior may have been modelled, there are some simple questions you can ask during the consultation or, when appropriate, while working in hypnosis.
For example:
Was there anyone you were exposed to growing up who engaged in this or a similar behavior?
Who else in your family behaved this way?
Did you see anyone you looked up to handling things in a similar way?
Was this behavior praised or valued by anyone important to you?
Was there anyone who taught you this, directly or indirectly?
Who showed you this?
What did this behavior look like in your family?
What happened when that person behaved this way?
How are you similar to that person?
How are you different?
Notice that I'm not asking:
“Which parent caused this?”
I've already decided what the answer is if I ask that question.
That's not what we're trying to do.
Modelling is a possibility we're exploring.
Sometimes we'll discover it is important.
Sometimes we'll discover something else entirely.
And sometimes modelling will be only one piece of a much larger puzzle.
Finding Modelling Is Not the End of the Work
Suppose you've discovered that a client's behavior was modelled.
Great.
Now what?
Knowing where something came from doesn't automatically change it.
This is where I think hypnotherapy needs to go further than simply identifying the originating experience.
We need to determine what the subconscious needs to understand now that it didn't understand then.
Remember, when the behavior was originally learned, the client may have been very young.
Mom did this.
Dad did this.
The important people around me did this.
Therefore, this is how it's done.
Now we have an adult with decades more experience, knowledge and perspective.
The subconscious may simply never have updated the original learning.
So we need information.
And I want as much of that information as possible to come from the client.
Questions That Help Build the Hypnotic Argument
Once I've established that modelling appears to be relevant, I might ask:
What do you think your subconscious needs to understand about this behavior?
Why would you like to change it?
How would changing this make your life easier or better?
What could happen if you continued doing this?
What problems did this behavior create for the person you learned it from?
What did it cost them?
Was that person ever wrong about other things?
What are the downsides of keeping this behavior?
Are there any downsides to changing it?
What would be the benefits of changing?
What could you do instead?
What would you like to do instead?
How would you like to respond the next time this situation occurs?
How would that feel different?
What would that make possible for you?
And I write down the answers.
Not merely the general idea.
Their words.
If the client says, “I want to respond instead of react,” I'm interested in those words.
If they say, “I want my kids to feel safe when Mom and Dad disagree,” I want that.
If they say, “I don't want food running my life anymore,” I'm writing that down.
Their language means something to them.
Their words have associations, experiences and meaning attached to them.
Why would I throw away all of that useful material and replace it with language I made up?
The client's answers become the raw material for the hypnotic argument.
What Is a Hypnotic Argument?
When I use the term hypnotic argument, I'm talking about making a logical, factual case to the subconscious.
I'm not arguing with the client.
And I'm not trying to overpower the subconscious.
I'm giving it information that allows it to reconsider an outdated conclusion.
In modelling, the old subconscious reasoning might essentially be:
This is what an important person showed me, so this is how I do it.
Our hypnotic argument helps update that:
Yes, you learned this by watching someone important to you. It made sense that you learned it. But seeing someone behave this way does not make it the only way, the healthiest way or the best way for you now.
Then we build the rest of the argument using the client's own information.
What has the old behavior cost them?
What happens if it continues?
Why do they want something different?
What alternatives do they now have?
What would changing allow them to experience?
The structure of the reasoning may be similar from one client to another.
The hypnotic argument should not be.
That's an important distinction.
We're not replacing a generic hypnosis script with a generic “modelling script.”
We're learning how to make an individualized case to the individual subconscious.
Building a Hypnotic Argument: The “Standard Breakup” Case
Let's go back to the woman who described name-calling and throwing things as a standard breakup.
Imagine that during our consultation she told us:
She feels ashamed and embarrassed by how she behaves during conflict.
She feels out of control when it happens.
Watching her parents fight frightened her when she was young.
She worried they would separate.
She sometimes worried their anger would be turned toward her.
She wants children someday and doesn't want them experiencing what she experienced.
She wants to stay calm when conflict occurs.
She wants to be able to walk away if necessary.
She wants time to think clearly.
She wants to respond rather than react.
Now we have something to work with.
A hypnotic argument might sound something like this:
You mentioned that you want to change the way you respond to conflict in relationships. You talked about what you called your “standard breakup,” with the name-calling and throwing things. And when we talked further, you remembered seeing your parents behave in very similar ways when you were growing up. It makes sense that your subconscious might have taken some of that in. You were learning how people behave by watching the big people around you. Your subconscious observed what Mom and Dad did, and it learned that this was what conflict looked like. But it's important for your subconscious to understand something now that it couldn't understand when you were little. Just because you saw something doesn't mean it was the best way. And it certainly doesn't mean it was the only way. You told me that you're ashamed of this behavior now. You said it makes you feel out of control and embarrassed. You also remember what it felt like to watch Mom and Dad behave this way. It frightened you. It made you anxious. You worried they might break up. Sometimes you worried that anger might be turned toward you. And you told me something very important. You don't want your own children to experience that someday. You want something different. You said you want to stay calm. You want to be able to walk away when you need to. You want to give yourself time to think clearly and then respond from a calm state of mind rather than reacting in the moment. Your subconscious can learn from that too. Mom and Dad showed you one way of handling conflict. They didn't show you every way. You're an adult now. You have choices they may not have had. You have skills and understanding you didn't have when you were little. And you can decide what kind of relationship you want to create and how you want to behave inside it.
Notice what I'm doing.
I'm not simply saying:
“You are calm during conflict.”
I'm making a case.
I'm acknowledging why the original learning made sense.
Then I'm giving the subconscious the information the adult client now has.
Show the Subconscious What to Do Instead
I wouldn't necessarily stop with the argument.
If the client has told me exactly how she wants to respond differently, I can use that information.
I might have her imagine a situation that previously would have triggered the old reaction.
But I would pause the scene before she reacts.
Then I'd remind her of what she told me she wants to do instead.
Stay calm.
Step away if necessary.
Give herself time.
Think clearly.
Respond rather than react.
Then I'd have her mentally play through the situation using that new response.
We might repeat that with several different scenarios.
The subconscious isn't simply hearing that the old behavior is no longer useful.
We're showing it another option.
The Same Principle, A Completely Different Argument
Now consider the woman who used cookies for almost every emotional state.
The modelling is different.
The consequences are different.
The desired behavior will be different.
So the hypnotic argument must be different too.
We might still acknowledge:
Of course your subconscious learned this. You watched Mom use cookies and chocolate milk around emotion, and she gave them to you during emotionally important moments too.
But then I need the client's information.
What does she dislike about the behavior?
What has it cost her?
What does she want instead?
How would she prefer to comfort herself?
How would she like to celebrate?
What would she like to do when she's nervous?
Does changing the behavior feel as though she is giving something up?
What could she gain instead?
Her answers build the argument.
The goal isn't:
Cookies are bad. Stop eating cookies.
The goal is to help the subconscious recognize that the behavior it learned from Mom is one option, not the only option, and that there may now be other ways of responding to emotion that serve this client better.
And What About the Man Worried About Infidelity?
Again, we'd start with what was modelled.
Dad was an important authority figure.
Dad demonstrated a particular way of approaching women and relationships.
Dad didn't merely behave that way. He celebrated the behavior and encouraged his son to do the same.
It makes sense that some of that learning was absorbed.
But now we have an adult preparing for marriage who consciously wants something different.
I'd want to know what he thinks being a husband means.
What kind of marriage does he want?
What does he value about his fiancée?
What does he believe would happen to the relationship if he continued his previous behavior?
What consequences did his father's behavior have?
After all, Dad's behavior contributed to the end of his parents' relationship.
Does he want the same outcome?
What does fidelity mean to him now?
What kind of man does he want to be?
Those answers allow us to begin separating:
What Dad modelled
from:
What I choose for myself now.
Again, I'm not going to write that argument before I've heard the client's answers.
Your best hypnotic argument comes from your client.
Don't Turn Modelling Into Another Formula
There's an important caution here for hypnotherapists.
Once we learn a framework, it's tempting to start seeing it everywhere.
We discover that Mom did something similar and think:
“Aha! Modelling. Got it.”
Maybe.
Keep asking questions.
A behavior may have been modelled and reinforced by messaging.
It may have developed a positive association.
It may serve a protective function.
Several things can be happening at once.
The framework should help you become more curious about the client, not less.
I don't want to squeeze a client's experience into my theory.
I want the theory to give me better questions to ask about the client's experience.
That's a very different way of working.
The Skill Isn't Finding the Right Script
When I was newer to hypnotherapy, I understood the appeal of scripts.
You have a client with a particular problem, so you go looking for the script for that problem.
But the longer I've worked with clients, the more important this distinction has become:
The presenting problem doesn't tell me what the hypnotic argument needs to be.
The client does.
Three people can engage in similar behaviors for three completely different reasons.
And three people can learn behaviors through modelling but require completely different hypnotic arguments because they learned different things from different people and now want different outcomes.
That's why I teach students to listen for the clues.
Ask questions.
Follow the information.
Understand why the behavior makes sense.
Then use the client's history, logic, language and desired outcome to help the subconscious update what it learned.
Surface work gets surface results.
When we understand what created the behavior in the first place, we have something much more useful to work with.
For Hypnotherapists: A Modelling Checklist
When you're working with a client whose behavior seems difficult to understand or change, consider asking yourself:
Could this behavior have been modelled?
Listen for references to parents, caregivers, siblings, teachers and other important people.
Ask who else behaved this way.
Explore what the client observed.
Then don't stop at identifying the model.
Find out:
What does the client understand now that they couldn't have understood then?
What are the consequences of continuing the old behavior?
What are the benefits of changing it?
What would they like to do instead?
What does their subconscious need to understand in order for that new behavior to make sense?
Write down their answers.
Use their language.
Then make your case.
That's the hypnotic argument.
And once the subconscious understands why a different response makes more sense now, you can begin helping the client rehearse and reinforce the behavior they actually want.
Want to Learn More?
This article is part of a larger series I'm creating for hypnotherapists and people learning hypnotherapy about how I think through client sessions.
I'll be looking separately at messaging, positive associations, negative associations and subconscious protection, including the clues I listen for, questions I ask and how I use the answers to develop individualized hypnotic arguments.
If you're interested in learning how I approach hypnotherapy, you can also experience the first two units of my training free:
If you're looking for a hypnotherapy training program and aren't sure what to look for, you may also find this helpful:
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