How Subconscious Messages Shape Behavior: What Hypnotherapists Should Listen For

From the time we're born, we're taking in information from the people around us.

This is a pen.

That's a cat.

I'm Mommy.

Those early messages help us learn how the world works. We store away names, colors, animals, body parts, people, places and thousands of other pieces of information.

Young children don't yet have the mature reasoning and perspective they'll develop later. They're very good at absorbing information, but not nearly as good at stepping back and questioning it.

That's incredibly useful when we're learning that red is a color and a nose is the thing in the middle of our face.

It gets a little more complicated when the messages are:

“You're a bad boy.”

“You aren't very good at art.”

“Nice girls don't get angry.”

“Big boys don't cry.”

Or:

“You need to make Mommy happy.”

Those messages get taken in too.

And messages don't only come from what people say.

Sometimes nobody says anything at all.

We learn from facial expressions. Tone of voice. What gets praised. What gets punished. How we're treated. What happens repeatedly around us.

And then there's another source of messaging that I think is especially important when we're trying to understand a client.

The messages we give ourselves.

Because human beings are meaning-making machines.

Something happens and we want to know:

Why did that happen?

Why did she treat me that way?

Why is he angry?

Why is Mom sad?

And when we're little, we have a charming tendency to assume everything has something to do with us.

So sometimes nobody actually gives us the message we're carrying.

We create it ourselves.

What Are Subconscious Messages?

When I talk about subconscious messages, I'm talking about information that was taken in and became part of how someone understood themselves, other people or the world.

Sometimes the message was direct. Someone actually said: “You'll never amount to anything.”

Sometimes it was indirect. Nobody said: “We don't have enough money.”

But the child watched Mom add up every item in the grocery cart with a calculator and put things back before reaching the checkout.

And sometimes the message was created internally. Mom is unhappy. Mom works all the time because she has to take care of us. Therefore: I'm part of the reason Mom isn't happy.

These are three very different ways of arriving at a belief.

When I'm working with a client, I'm interested in all three.

Because the belief someone carries today may make considerably more sense once we understand the message underneath it.

Direct Messages: “You Need to Make Mom Happy”

I worked with a client whose mother struggled with her physical and emotional health when my client was young. The household revolved around taking care of Mom. My client was told to be quiet because Mom needed quiet. Be good. Don't upset Mom. Help take care of Mom.Try to make Mom happy.

There was also a feeling throughout the household that if Mom wasn't okay, something terrible might happen.

The adults were dealing with a difficult situation. The messages weren't necessarily intended to harm my client.

But think about what a child might take from them.

• Mom's happiness is my responsibility.

• I need to be good so other people will be okay.

• My needs aren't as important as someone else's needs.

• Something bad could happen if someone is unhappy with me.

Years later, my client came to see me because she realized she had almost no voice in her relationships. She had tremendous difficulty asking for what she wanted or needed. She catered to the other person. Their happiness came first.

She was still behaving as though keeping another person happy was somehow necessary to prevent something bad from happening.

The people had changed. The circumstances had changed. The old subconscious message hadn't.

Indirect Messages Can Be Just as Powerful

Another client came to me wanting to work on what she called her “lack mentality.”

She was constantly comparing herself with other people. They seemed to have more.

They got to do more. Somehow, she always came up short.

Interestingly, her parents had made a deliberate effort not to talk about money problems in front of their children. There were occasional arguments after the children had gone to bed, and she had a vague sense that they involved money.

But Mom and Dad didn't sit the kids down and say: “We don't have enough.”

They didn't need to. The message was everywhere.

When she went grocery shopping with her mother, Mom carried a calculator. Every item that went into the cart was added up. Before they reached the checkout, Mom checked the total again and sometimes put things back.

At school, there were field trips her family couldn't afford. While her classmates went swimming or visited museums and art galleries, she stayed behind in the library.

At Christmas, there were two gifts for each child. One from Santa and one from Mom and Dad. She remembered visiting a friend's house before Christmas and seeing an enormous pile of presents under the tree. She was stunned.

Then there was the first day of school. Other children arrived in new outfits. She had hand-me-downs and perhaps a new pair of runners for gym class.

Nobody had to say: Other people have more than you.

Nobody had to say: There isn't enough.

Nobody had to say: You're different from everyone else.

That was the meaning she made from what she experienced.

And decades later, despite living in completely different circumstances, she was still looking around and noticing what everybody else had that she didn't.

Sometimes We Give Ourselves the Message

The third kind of messaging can be even harder to recognize because there may be nobody to blame.

I worked with a woman who grew up in a single-parent household.

Her parents separated when she was very young. Her father moved away for work, and she didn't really develop a relationship with him until she was an adult.

Her mother raised three children. Mom worked two jobs. She came home tired and then continued working. There was laundry. Cleaning. Meals. Homework. All the things involved in keeping a household with three children functioning.

My client described her as a good mother. She didn't complain about her children.

She didn't tell them they had ruined her life. She didn't say: “I'm unhappy because of you.” But my client rarely saw her laugh. There wasn't much levity in the house. Mom worked and worked and worked.

And my client, being a child, tried to make sense of what she saw.

Mom isn't happy. Mom has to work this hard because she has three children. I'm one of those children. And the message she gave herself was essentially: I'm partly responsible for Mom's unhappiness.

Nobody told her that. Mom may never have thought it. But the belief was real to the child.

And that belief eventually followed her into adult relationships. If someone she loved wasn't happy, she felt responsible. She needed to fix it. She needed to do something differently. She needed to make them happy.

This is one of the reasons I don't limit messaging to the things other people actually said.

Sometimes the most important message is the one the client created while trying to understand what was happening.

Children Are Meaning-Making Machines

This is something I want hypnotherapists to understand because it changes the questions we ask.

Children don't have an adult's perspective.

They can't necessarily look at an exhausted parent and think:

“Mom is dealing with the end of a marriage, financial pressure, two jobs, three children and probably a dozen other things I don't know about. Her emotional state is complex and has very little to do with me personally.”

That's an adult interpretation.

A child may simply think: Mom's sad. I must be making Mom sad.

If someone is angry: I did something wrong.

If a parent is distant: I'm not lovable.

If asking for something causes stress: I shouldn't need things.

If being quiet seems to make life easier: I need to be quiet.

If pleasing somebody gets affection: I need to make people happy so they'll love me.

The conclusion doesn't have to be objectively true.

It only needs to make sense with the information available to the child at the time.

And that's why, years later, I don't want to simply tell the subconscious that the belief is wrong.

I want to understand why it once seemed right.

Why Positive Suggestions Alone May Not Change Subconscious Messages

There's an assumption people sometimes make about hypnosis that I think creates a lot of confusion.

They assume that because someone is hypnotized, they'll simply accept whatever the hypnotist tells them.

That's not how I work.

Imagine a client whose subconscious has spent thirty years operating from: I need to take care of everyone else first.

I put her into hypnosis and say: “You put yourself first now. Your needs are important.”

Sounds lovely.

Except internally she may be thinking:

No. That's selfish. If I don't take care of everybody, things fall apart. People get upset. I have to take care of them.

Now my suggestion and her existing belief are having an argument.

And her belief has thirty years of evidence behind it.

That's why I use what I call a hypnotic argument.

I don't want to overpower the existing belief with a prettier sentence.

I want to understand the experiences that caused the belief to form and help the subconscious look at those experiences again with information it didn't have before.

Event, Belief, Behavior

My approach to hypnosis is strongly influenced by cognitive-behavioral thinking.

Something happens.

We give that event meaning.

That meaning contributes to a belief.

And the belief influences how we feel and behave.

So if I want to change the behavior, I'm interested in the belief underneath it.

And if I want to change the belief, I'm interested in the experiences that made that belief seem reasonable.

That's where the work gets interesting.

Instead of saying: “Stop pleasing people.”

I want to know: Why does pleasing people make sense to your subconscious?

Instead of: “Stop worrying about money.”

I want to know: What did your subconscious learn about having enough?

Instead of: “You aren't responsible for everyone else's happiness.”

I want to know: What happened that caused you to believe you were?

Now we have something to work with.

What Does Messaging Sound Like in a Consultation?

Just as we did with modelling, I listen for little nuggets in the client's language.

Things like:

“My dad always told me...”

“My mother used to say...”

“In our family, you just didn't...”

“I learned pretty early that...”

“I was always the good one.”

“I knew not to ask.”

“Everyone depended on me.”

“I had to keep the peace.”

“I always felt like...”

That last one is particularly interesting because sometimes the client can't identify anybody who actually gave them the message.

That's okay.

Now I'm curious about how they arrived at it.

Questions to Ask When You Suspect Subconscious Messaging

Depending on what the client has said, I might ask:

What were you told about this growing up?

Did anyone ever say that directly to you?

Who taught you that?

What did your family seem to believe about this?

What happened when you did the opposite?

What was praised in your family?

What was criticized?

What did you learn you needed to do to get approval?

What did you learn not to do?

When do you remember first feeling this way?

What was happening around you at that time?

Did anyone actually tell you that, or was that something you came to believe?

What did you think their behavior meant?

If you look at the situation as an adult now, does it mean the same thing?

Is there another possible explanation?

Again, these aren't questions designed to prove that messaging is the cause.

They're questions designed to explore whether it might be.

That's an important distinction.

The “Big Players” in a Client's Story

When I'm listening to a client's history, I pay attention to what I sometimes call the big players.

These are people who had a significant impact on the client.

Parents are obvious examples, but it could be a grandparent, sibling, teacher, coach, religious leader, partner or somebody else whose opinion carried a lot of weight.

If one of these people gave the client an important message, I want to understand the person who gave it too.

What does the client know about their background?

How were they raised?

What did they believe?

What was happening in their life?

What might their intention have been?

Were they trying to protect the client?

Were they frightened themselves?

Were they repeating something they had been taught?

Were they ever wrong about anything else?

This isn't about excusing harmful behavior.

It's about context.

Sometimes understanding the messenger changes the meaning of the message.

A Message Can Be Wrong Without the Messenger Being Bad

This distinction matters.

Not every inaccurate or unhelpful childhood message came from a cruel person.

Sometimes a parent was trying to protect their child.

Sometimes they were overwhelmed.

Sometimes they repeated what their parents taught them.

Sometimes the child misunderstood.

Sometimes nobody actually gave the message at all.

And yes, sometimes people deliberately said cruel or damaging things.

We need to determine which situation we're actually dealing with rather than deciding ahead of time.

The goal isn't to put someone on trial.

The goal is to help the client understand whether the message they are still living by deserves the authority it has been given.

Different Messages May Need Different Approaches

Once I've identified an important message, I don't automatically use one technique.

What I do depends on how the message developed and what the client needs.

1. Build a Hypnotic Argument

Sometimes I make a logical, factual case to the subconscious.

What was happening then?

Why did the client form this belief?

What does the adult understand now?

What evidence contradicts the old conclusion?

What are the consequences of continuing to believe it?

What becomes possible if it changes?

And, as always, I want the client's language.

My best hypnotic arguments come from my clients.

2. Examine the Source of the Message

If someone repeatedly told a client: “You're stupid,”

I may want to know more about the person who said it.

Were they a reliable judge?

Were they wrong about other things?

What was going on with them?

Did they speak that way to other people?

Was the message actually about the client, or could it have reflected the messenger's own beliefs, frustrations, projections or insecurities?

Sometimes removing the authority from the source weakens the authority of the message.

3. Consider Another Interpretation

This can be particularly useful with messages the client created themselves.

Take the woman who concluded: Mom wasn't happy because of me.

As an adult, she has considerably more information.

What else might have been happening? Mom had experienced a painful breakup.

She was raising three children. She was working two jobs. She was tired. Perhaps there were things happening internally that her daughter knew nothing about.

I'm not going to replace one assumption with another and announce that I've discovered the truth.

Instead, I want the client to recognize: The conclusion I made as a child wasn't the only possible explanation.

That alone can change things.

4. Informed Adult Work

Sometimes I'll have the adult client imagine sitting with the younger version of themselves who originally received or created the message.

The adult has information the child didn't have.

What would she like that little girl to understand?

What does she know about Mom now that she couldn't possibly have known then?

What would she like to tell that younger version about what happened?

What was never her responsibility?

What does she want that child to believe instead?

I don't need to write that speech for her.

She usually has much better material than I do.

5. Addressing Others

Sometimes there's unfinished business with the person who gave the message.

In hypnosis, I may give the client an opportunity to imagine speaking with that person.

What needs to be said?

What would the client like to understand?

What explanation do they need?

What would they like the other person to take back?

What should have been said instead?

What does the client need to hear in order to release the old message?

Again, this is individualized work.

6. Update the Message

Once we've examined the old message and helped the subconscious understand why it may have been inaccurate, incomplete or appropriate only to circumstances that no longer exist, then we can establish something new.

That's very different from covering an old belief with an affirmation.

We're updating the information underneath it.

Let's Revisit the Woman Who Had to Keep Mom Happy

Suppose our client tells us that she now understands her mother's emotional state wasn't her responsibility.

She tells us that she was a child.

The adults were trying to help Mom because Mom was struggling.

Being asked to cooperate didn't mean she was responsible for fixing her.

She tells us that constantly putting other people first has left her feeling invisible in relationships.

She's resentful.

She's exhausted.

She wants to be able to ask for what she needs.

She wants relationships where both people matter.

Those are her words.

Now I have the beginnings of my hypnotic argument.

It might sound something like this: You learned very early to pay attention to how Mom was feeling.

You were told to be quiet, to be good and to help make things easier for Mom. And it makes sense that your subconscious took those messages seriously. You were little. These were the big people telling you what needed to happen.

But there was something you couldn't understand then that you can understand now.

You weren't responsible for Mom's health or happiness.

You were a child.

The adults were dealing with an adult situation and doing what they knew how to do.

Being asked to help didn't mean your needs didn't matter. It didn't mean you had to spend the rest of your life making sure everyone around you was happy.

And you've told me what continuing to do that has cost you.

You said you feel invisible. You feel resentful. You're tired of being the person who always gives while being afraid to ask for anything in return.

You said you want relationships where both people matter.

And your subconscious can begin to understand that caring about another person's feelings and being responsible for those feelings are two very different things.

From there, I could use her own language about what she wants to do differently and have her begin rehearsing those new behaviors.

Maybe she imagines asking for something she wants.

Maybe she allows someone to be disappointed without immediately trying to fix it.

Maybe she expresses an opinion that differs from her partner's.

The exact work depends on the client.

What About the Money Case?

I wouldn't automatically tell that client: “There is plenty of money.” Her subconscious has evidence for the opposite.

She remembers the calculator. The field trips. The hand-me-downs. Christmas.

Those things happened. I'm not interested in pretending they didn't.

Instead, I'm interested in updating what they mean now.

Perhaps her parents were actually extraordinarily resourceful.

Perhaps the calculator wasn't evidence that she would never have enough. It was evidence that Mom knew exactly how to make the available money stretch far enough to feed a family.

Perhaps having less money than a childhood friend didn't mean she was destined to spend her life with less than everyone around her.

What does the adult client understand about money now?

What resources does she have?

What has changed?

What has she created for herself?

What does she want “enough” to mean now?

Again, the answers need to come from her.

And What About the Child Who Thought Mom's Unhappiness Was Her Fault?

This is where I might do less arguing and more perspective-taking.

I could ask the adult: What do you understand about your mother's life now?

Do you believe she blamed you?

Did she ever tell you that?

What else was happening?

If you could sit beside that little girl now, what would you tell her?

Would you tell her: “You're making Mom miserable”?

Probably not.

So what would you tell her?

That answer may be exactly what her subconscious has needed to hear.

The Message Made Sense Then. Does It Still Make Sense Now?

That's ultimately the question.

I don't want clients to feel foolish for believing something that developed when they were young.

Usually, when we understand the context, the belief makes sense.

The child who tried to keep Mom happy wasn't foolish. She was responding to the information she had.

The child who concluded there wasn't enough wasn't irrational. She was looking at what she saw.

The child who thought Mom's unhappiness was her fault wasn't deliberately creating a problem she'd carry into adulthood. She was trying to understand her world.

But the subconscious doesn't necessarily update those conclusions simply because twenty or thirty or forty years have passed.

Sometimes we have to bring it new information.

And that's where hypnotherapy can become much more than suggestion.

We can help the client revisit the old information with the perspective they have now.

We can question the message.

We can question its source.

We can look at what was misunderstood.

We can consider what else might have been true.

And then we can ask the most important question:

What do you understand now that you couldn't have understood then?

That's the information I want the subconscious to have.

Because when the belief changes, the behavior that grew out of that belief may no longer make sense either.

For Hypnotherapists: A Messaging Checklist

When you're listening to a client, don't only ask what happened.

Listen for what the client learned from what happened.

Was there a direct message?

Was something communicated indirectly?

Or did the client create their own message while trying to make sense of what they experienced?

Then explore:

Who gave the message?

What was happening in that person's life?

What might their intention have been?

What did the client think the message meant?

Was that the only possible meaning?

What belief developed from it?

How is that belief affecting the client now?

What does the adult client understand today that the younger version couldn't understand then?

What would the client like to believe or do instead?

And then listen very carefully to their answers.

Because once again, your best hypnotic material is often sitting right there in the client's own words.

Part of the Why We Do What We Do Series

This is the second teaching article in my practitioner series exploring some of the ways the subconscious learns and maintains behavior.

We started with Modeling, looking at behaviors we learn by watching the people around us.

Here we've looked at Messaging, including the messages people give us, the messages communicated without words, and the messages we create ourselves.

Next, we'll look at Positive Associations and why the subconscious can continue drawing us toward something even when we consciously know it isn't helping us.

After that we'll explore Negative Associations and Protection.

Together, these aren't meant to become another formula for deciding what's “wrong” with a client.

They're places to become curious.

They're ways of asking better questions.

And better questions tend to lead us toward much more useful answers.

If you'd like to experience how I teach hypnotherapy, you can explore the first two units of my training free:

https://www.horizoncenterhypnotherapy.com/free-trial